A student threatens to hit a Teacher!

Because I got a comment from my dearest friend (L) that my other blog is a little bit long (which it's! :()) I will make this as shorter as possible.

As a teacher who has to deal with teens, stepping up to each one's acceptance is impossible! I always get claims from some students about not getting a certain point, or complaining about the exam "It's too long Teacher!" they say or "It's so hard! I will fail." All of these complains are normal and they can be cured by repeating the difficult point or by encouraging them to study for the upcoming exam, but what is really hard to cure and to deal with is the bad behavior that sometimes reaches to threating the teacher of hitting him/her.

In one of the two classes I teach I have this student who I would like to call (T). T is a very intelligent student who used to get full marks at the beginning of the semester, but later he started neglecting himself and his classes. First, he stopped studying for his exams, gave up participating in class, kept forgetting his books and his homeworks till that yesterday when he couldn't stop shouting like a goat! and hitting with an iron ruler his wooden desk. I tried for two times to warn him that if he wouldn't stop what he's doing I will have to send him to the principle office, but he refused to listen. He closed his ears and pretended that I was joking with him. After extra few minutes of shouting and hammering I opened the door and asked him to leave the class, of course as all the students do when it comes to this point, he pinned himself to his chair and glued his hands on his closed book in front of him and just refused to go out. I could easily forgive him, close the door and simply ignore that behavior, but I had enough from the same act everyday so I insisted on him to leave the class and he insisted more on staying. More than seven minutes have passed and I didn't move away from the open door and he didn't move an inch from his desk, till I used my other weapon, threating him by forbidding him from coming on the final exam. When I told him that, I thought that he would feel afraid and obey me to go outside, but he increased his shouting and challenged me by saying " You can't do that! I will come to the exam despite your will."

If I let him in class after those words I would be encouraging the other students of doing the same and I would be sending a message that what he is doing is acceptable. A minute later I found myself leaving the class and heading as a raged bull towards the principle's office, I didn't have time to tell her the whole story, but I told her " T is misbehaving again, he's challenging me in front of the students, and he refused to go out from the class." The principle followed me to the class room, where she took him out with his bag. I continued my class normally.

Later in the afternoon while I was checking my Facebook page I got a message from a friend saying that she heard that T is planning to hit me tomorrow. I smiled, because I knew what I have to do exactly.

Tomorrow I will tell you if I got hit or I survived the day! hopefully! 

Teaching- five months of shouting and beautiful memories...

As my period as an English teacher in one of my town's high schools has come to an end I've decided to write about this exceptional experience. Five months ago, I was sitting at home and complaining from not finding a job, suddenly a friend of mine whose mother works as a religion teacher in a Catholic school told me that the principle of that school that her mother works at is looking for a new English teacher, and because she knows me she nominated me for this job. I can't deny that I felt happy, but also scared. I always said that I will not never ever teach, because teaching is the job of the uncreative people who can't find a good job, but now I'm glad to say no, this isn't the case. Teaching is so much different and it's more than just a job.

After turning the idea inside my mind, asking my friends and family I agreed to go to the interview where I met the principle who had a long chat with me, looked at my C.V and my official papers and finally gave me another appointment to meet her before deciding whether taking me in or not. Even that she didn't say clearly if she does want me or not, but I sense it so I walked out with a little hope.

In the few next days I revived a phone call from her telling me that she has approved on hiring me as the new English teacher and she added that she wants to meet me again before the Christmas break to decide on the money, time and the classes I would teach. So I went, we talked about the money which it's not very much (it's the case with teaching!No money!) time, and finally about the grades. I remember the second I heard "You will the 11 and the 10th grades!" I felt a cold numb running under my skin, I lost the ability of speaking as started suturing from the shock.

I'm still an undergraduate student, who doesn't have the experience in life or even in language to be able to teach two advanced classes. I tried to convince her if she can give me middle classes, but it appeared to me that the reason why I was there that there isn't an English teacher for those classes, because the previous teacher had to leave after the first semester. I found myself trapped between accepting the offer and refusing it. I remember going home and laying on my bed and thinking about what I have done. I have accepted the offer to teach those classes. Although, everyone congratulated me on getting this job, I didn't feel the joy, because I wasn't sure if I can handle such a responsibility.

All the jobs I have been into were a cashier in a restaurant, a seller in a clothes shop, a drama trainer in a summer camp, but nothing was is the seriousness this job appeared to be. Christmas break has started, the school closed its gates, and I locked myself with my fear through the whole holiday in my room or if i wasn't in my room, outside, but still thinking about this horrific situation I have thrown myself into. At night I had nightmares about the students spitting on me, hitting me, laughing at me, the teachers not talking to me, I'm failing to deliver any information, the chalks break in my hand every time I start writing on the board. These nightmare continued even after I got the material books, and started preparing by looking up some information on the internet,  and reading other guide books.

After less than 17 days, Christmas break has finished and my first day at school was my first day also at my university, but because of the pressure I felt that day I didn't go to my classes in the university and decided to dedicate that day to the school.

I dressed well, made sure that I got everything needed in my bag, such as the books, papers, and pens. I walked into the school building then headed to the main office where I had a quick conversation with the principle who tried to encourage me and to tell me that there isn't anything to be scared of. I wanted to believe her so badly, but I couldn't, maybe because I didn't see the students before, so their images kept bursting in front of eyes as huge green hulks and scary witches.

The two classes were in the third store, but because I have arrived early I took my right and went to the teacher's room where all the teachers gather around their tables and chairs, eating, talking, correcting papers and talking about each others! I knocked the door and stepped in. All the eyes turned at me and welcomed me to sit in a specific empty chair. They were kind and welcoming, and I tried my best to show them my gratitude. After five minutes or a little bit more the bell rang, some of the teachers left the room and I did so. I went to the 11th grade where my first class was.

The class wasn't big enough for the 26 students. Both the Art and the science section take English together at the same time. There was a small wooden squared table in front of the board and the students sat in their seats with their hawk eyes starring at me. I felt that they were checking everything about me, my pants, my shoes, my shirt, my hair, my ears, the shape of my lips, the roundness of my eyes and the way I spoke.

Thanks for the long years of acting and Drama courses, I knew how to hide my fear and a cold mask. I stood next to the table and started asking the students for their names, they all told me their names and I told them mine. Afterwards, because I thought that this was the first class and I shouldn't give them a lesson from the first time, I wanted to make them play a game. I divided the class into two groups and put some miss ordered words on the board. They had to find out the ordered word, or if they couldn't they should find out the maximum number of words. During the game one of the girls shouted "rough..rough" I heard her and I wrote it on the board, but as "ruff" in this point all the students started laughing, thinking that I did a dreadful spelling mistake. Despite telling them that there is something called "ruff" they kept this image of me as a bad speller in their mind, and I think that this was one of the reasons that made me feel that they have lost a very important thing in me that day, reliability.

Directly, when I went home I tried not to ignore that issue and forced myself to deal with it before it increases. So I sat with myself and started writing the words that I thought that I might write wrong, and they were many. Now after 5 months of teaching, I can say that that incidents that happened on the first day has taught me how to be more careful in choosing my words and presenting them.

The months have passed and by everyday I discovered a new thing about them, and they did the same to me. We laughed with each other, we joked, we shouted, we screamed, we had those boring moments when the lesson is very hard or silly, we watched many videos and movies, we wrote many articles, essays, short paragraphs, they cheated and I punished them, they listened to music in class and I took their phones, they cried and I was there for them to comfort them and to explain for them why did I make them cry. Many happy and angry moments have passed in the both classes not just in the 11th grade.

The 10th grade had a very different situation. They refused to change, they refused to change their studying techniques, a thing I asked them to do so they can be with me on the same track, and many of them refused to listen and to calm down in class. This class has a huge diversity in the order of behavior and the academic achievement. There are the calm student who study at home and listen to me in class, there is the calm ones who stay silent in class, but they don't study at home, there is the very hyper ones who keep talking and shouting in class, but they get good marks, and there are the ones who don't care about the material,  who keep making a noise and don't study. All of these different kinds with a few exceptions made it harder on me to be able to follow them all, but by time I have managed to know everyone, how does s/he behave in class, how does s/he answer their exams, what are their weaknesses and their strength.

Moreover, three of the tenth grader were devils from hell, they used to keep shouting, singing, eating, jumping, hitting each other and the other student, not studying or even bothering themselves in pretending that they care. These three male students gave me a hard time in finding the perfect way in dealing with them, in addressing them, and without knowing how I found them turning to calmer people who at least are ready to hear your advice to them.

I think that their problem was that the school has decided to kick them out of its campus after the end of the year, so each one of them can move to another school because they are getting bad marks and their behavior is awful! The worst thing of all of this, that the school has told them about its decision which made them more careless, because they knew that there is no hope in staying in the class, forgetting that they need to pass their classes if they want to transfer to another school!  The moment I knew this I started working with them on how we can improve our image in front of the school, so at least we would get a good recommendation paper from the school we have spent in more than 14 years. The students at the beginning refused to listen to me, but slowly I found that they were trying to control their anger less than before, trying to talk to me after classes , asking me how do I feel towards their behavior in that particular day, and I was sure to give them a positive feedback with an honest critical reflection on their behavior so they would be motivated and in the same time aware that they still doing something wrong.

I changed their places, put each one in a different place, I worked with them individually by giving them extra homeworks to do and to treat them differently that others in the exams. Till one of them has really changed 360 degree, he started sitting in the front road, writing everything I say, listing to me, asking questions, even his marks have improved, and eventually the school has approved to keep him.

I know that I still need years of experience to find the perfect way in dealing with every student, that if there was one, but I don't have the years, because I have decided and it's one of the decisions I made lately that I don't want to continue teaching, at least for now. I want to complete my Seminar the next semester, maybe finding a new job where I don't have to write exams and correct papers for 7 hours everyday!

To be continued...

Ask a Gay family-reflection and commitment issues

Today I've realized after a very long time of denial and suppression that I have commitment problems. Being an artist, commitment is something essential to complete any piece of art. I draw and 90% of my drawings are incomplete, because I suddenly lose the passion to continue drawing. the same thing happens to me with writing. I love to write, even more than drawing, but every time I start to write I stop, even in the middle of the work or sometime before the end which affects badly the whole work. The same thing happens to me with reading, but fortunately less than writing and drawing, which means that I manage for many times to complete the books in my hand.

At the beginning I thought that this problem is just because of the limited time I have, the stress of work and college, or maybe the congested ideas I have in my mind that push me to stop completing a certain task for the sake of the other which I eventually don't complete. Later, the affect of this problem increased and slowly it went into my relationships, with my family, friends, and my girlfriend who is now my (x). I'm a very compassionate person, I care a lot about people specially the close ones, I try to do my best to make them happy in so many ways, but if those people went away for a short time I stop asking about them, I stop calling them, emailing them or even just sending a text message asking about their health! This put me in so many troubles with my friends who tend to care a lot, and to ask about me more than I do. All of this happened and  is still happening without me really comprehending the dilemma. Till I read in my friend's (L) blog "Writing, books, etc" which it's an amazing blog that I recommend everyone to read it, about the wonderful family of Jay and Bryan and their two amazing kids Selena and Daniel.  

Jay and Bryan are two gay men who decided to get married and to establish a family as any other two loving heterosexual partners in the world. They adopted two wonderful kids, Daniel and Selena who they care about and love. J&B has started to post somehow daily videos on their YouTube channel "depfox" under the name "Ask A Gay Family" which simply talks about everything that deals with their life as a family and as a married couple. 

Since then I've started watching their videos on a daily basis for two reasons actually first because I really want to break this iced wall between my heart and my traditional mind in accepting and understanding gay people. second, because I felt even before watching their videos that I will learn something, I will get answers for my many questions directly from the people who I fear from approaching in street, because I was raised to hate them, to disgrace them, and to think that they are sinners. 

The first video I have watched is this one

Ask A Gay 

Family Ep. 

1 Is Daniel Disabled 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59n7KINHxGI&feature=relmfu 

where J&B are talking about the difficulties of adopting children, and how there are hundreds of young children who are waiting for a kind family to come and embrace them regardless if this family a gay or a straight family, because what is really important is the love and caring this family can give to these children. This concept of a gay family adopts two children opened my eyes first on how these two guys are super-incredible for adding a huge responsibility on their shoulders and second, it opened my eyes on how I am a selfish human who's only good in criticizing and accusing people, just because they are different than me.  

From one video to the other I continued watching them, and quickly I felt as knowing them for a long time, because they really break this stereotypical image of gay men, who used to be introduced to us through movies, news, religion, society as  sex and drug addicts, who roam the streets shirtless, abusing themselves and others, walking in a strange "sissy" way, not believing in God or any spiritual entity or power. All of these prejudgment images are completely missing from the picture. On the contrary we see two healthy handsome men, who dedicated their lives to raise two amazing kids by themselves through respecting and loving each others as humans and not sex predictors.  

I humbly believe that this is very important to be seen by many people out there, because they are truly a healthy and a fair example of what any family should be like in spite of the religion it follows, the beliefs it clings to, the society it lives in, the norms it teaches its children on, the language it speaks, the clothes it wears and more. I believe that the more we are different the more we accept each other, the more we get to know ourselves and the other. 

You may wonder what does this have to do with the problem commitment I addressed at the beginning? the answer is through finishing this article I'm actually managed to complete my first challenge which it's finishing this blog! Moreover, being a Christian who was born and raised and still live with my Christian family puts a special kind of pressure on me in order of accepting gays,  since homosexuality is conceder to be a sin in the bible and whoever commits or accepts it is also regarded as a sinner. So how can I call myself a true Christian who believes in God and Jesus who are in mt belief refer to the same entity and to accept homosexuals in my life? This question was hard to be answered by me before today, but after I watched J&B's second video 

Ask A Gay Family Ep. 4 God & Religion http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvEUI9CPjEg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvEUI9CPjEg

I started to rethink in my previous understanding of the whole concept of homosexuality. B&J are gay Christians, who believe in the same God I believe in, the same Jesus I worship, and they go every Sunday to church. not as if I'm saying that if they weren't active Christians I wouldn't accept them! NO! but as they broke the stereotypical image of gay men in order of appearance, they are now breaking the image that claims that gays are atheists, who don't believe in God or any spiritual being. 

I would be a liar if I said that I knew that, or I believed that before and to be honest it was one of the most critical questions I always wondered about in my head about gay people in the boundaries of my religion who clarifies them as sinners and categorizes them with the thieves, criminals and the killers who will go to hell eventually, also according to my belief! So what is the truth! Do Gays believe in God!? I think that it would be stupid to ask this question! Of course they can! and saying can, doesn't mean that I'm giving them the permission to believe in God! No! but because as the case of "straight" people who have the freedom to believe in God or not, gays also have the ones who believe and the ones who don't even in the God of Christianity that says that homosexuality is a sin! 

Furthermore, as Jay has said and I completely agree with him that the bible as all the Christian know isn't written by God himself, but it was inspired by him and it was written by us the human beings. Hence, the man wrote the bible with an inspiration from God, mistakes might happen, and personal views and cultural traditions would be involved in the writing of this holy book, so if we looked at the subject of homosexuality from this point we may understand that God really doesn't hate gays, and homosexuality isn't a sin because it's the man who suggested this norm according to was believed in that time, and unfortunately continued and formed our present with all its inequality.  

In addition to all of this we all need the right to be respected by others regardless if we were different than them, because being different doesn't mean being wrong, but it means being unique and exceptional. 

Eventually, I got to finish this blog which means that I have completed my first challenge and ready for the second one which it's reading the bible because I really need to know my religion away from all the people who try to tell me what is already between my hands hoping that by reading it I will understand the other more and to accept it because Gos is love, and Jesus said "Love you enemies as you love yourselves" and gays aren't my enemies or yours! they are the taxi driver who takes you to work everyday, your friend who you share lunch with, your cousin, your brother, your sister, your son, and your teacher!  

The golden fruit

Slowly with a blink

It passed the Pearle’s gate

Salty, wavy and somehow mixed with pain

It’s strange to my tongue

Strange to my tearsEven thoughts surprisely it mixed with my veins

Something from the past

Something inhaled the dirt of my land

Something I would call a holy taste

Something likes the shape of my heart

My heart was hammering inside my lungs

A tear lost its way in my eye
A weird feeling shocked my bones

Happiness s what I thought about

A fairy in her golden gown

Shuttering like a mirror to a million smile

Adam lost Eden for an apple

And I may gain it with an ancient olive branch

 

Joyce, 1966

      Last night while I was sleeping I dreamed in a woman, a strange woman from the 60’s. The hair cut the outfit even the necklace around her neck was pointing to one era, the sixties with no doubt. For the first time my dream was in black and white! Like an old movie.

      The woman in my dream was sitting on a balcony or something like that because I saw the tops of some cypress or pine trees swinging by the wind behind her. In the dream she was a famous person, like and actress or something like that, I thought that I am getting an old image from some old movie,especially because I watched some black and white movies lately. But my eyes didn’t recognize her face.

     Suddenly a name popped out in the screen of my dream! It was a name written in dark yellow. “Joyce” that was the name and it was followed by a number “1966”. I woke up, during the day I forgot everything about the dream, but when I came back home I just remembered all the details, so I decided to goggle it to find out what does it mean.

     I typed in Google toolbar “Joyce 1966” I found that it refers to some hurricane. I wanted to see if I can find out some other information from the name and the number rather than a hurricane. I looked at the titles that appeared to me and three or four of them was carrying the two words” Joyce…..1966” as they were related somehow together.

    I entered on of them and it was talking about a famous writer called “Joyce Carol Oates” nothing special in it I can find a million one under that name right! I started to read the article under a picture for the writer in her seventies. My eyes went looking for the number 1966 between the lines without finding any trail for it. Until I found it saying: “a new collection of 36 stories written between 1966 and 2006 is a welcome addition.” But I still wasn’t sure if it was what I am really looking for. So I decided to try for the last time, and I did. I put her name in Google –images, there was a lot or pictures for her, I kept pressing “next” until I found my lost.

        The same face, the hair cut, the same necklace, everything was the same. She maybe was in her twenties maybe. Just like my dream...

Even if it was a coincidence, I had the chance to meet a famous writer in my dreams! And maybe I will start reading for her… who knows…

They ran to hide

We were lonely

Playing around a tree

Smelling roses

And eat honey

With no fear

A sound from the clouds

Taught us to sleep at night

A sound from the sun

Planted love in our hearts

The sky was blue

The birds were free

And we both lived with no fear

Until one day

The sun disappeared

And a sound from the sky

Shouted in fear

What have you done"?

We crawled to hide

Between the leaves we cried

He covered her eye

And she covered him with her smile

The sky turned red

Like the blood

In their veins

He screamed and shouted

“She taught me how to lie”

“How to hide”

“How to use my mind”

“She gave me the truth”

“For that I ran to hide”

She lifts her eyes

They were red and dry... and cried

“The snake taught me how to smile”

“How to fight”

“How to cry”

“The snake taught me How to die”

A light from above

Hit the ground

Hit their faces…

They turned white

Wind pushed them outside

Wind closed the gates behind…

Emile Saba

Guilt

Guilt

  I don’t know if guilt is the suitable word in describing the feeling I had this morning, when I went out from my father’s vehicle running to book a seat in the public taxi. A young girl maybe 18 or maximum 20 years old, was crossing the street holding in her hand a shiny metal stick. At first glance a person may not notice the purpose of that stick, but after a second I noted that she was sensing her way with that stick. I froze in my place sticking my eyes on her turbulent steps, watching her fighting the wind trying to see the light in the dark world she’s in.

  I wanted to help her, to give her a hand in finding what she was looking for, but I lately realized that what she’s anxious for isn’t something I know. Cold faces and cold  eyes were starring, judging and ducking her in every single movement, I don’t blame them because I was one of them. Deeply in my soul something strong was whispering to my conscious to take the first step and to help her in finding a seat like every body else in one of these taxes.But the north wind was stronger than my conscious it forced my eyes to shut down.

   She isn’t safe out there, she’s alone blindness with her fear...,wait I stopped myself questioning my quick assumptions, why I am calling her "weak"?  I have no right to mark her with this soft adjective. She’s with no doubt stronger than me and from most of those people that stood their in the parking looking at her. The taxes were felling up quickly, time was running like a crazy fool and I was standing their in the wind looking at her in fear and shame. I could helped her I could asked her if she needs help! But I was afraid not from her but from the cold eyes that were throwing stones at both of us.

  Back in the corner a taxi driver maybe in his forties saw her struggling to find her way away from those people, he was better than me in a million times he didn’t care for the cold eyes or for the evil voices he just ran to rescue her. I felt like a heavy burden was pushed away from my shoulders, I took a deep traitorous breath and climbed in the empty seat.

  I thought that I will not see her twice in the same today, but I was wrong, she was just in front of me walking with her shiny stick. She passed the guards and the west gate following the student’s rapid steps. After three meters from the gate a strange girl blocked her way and instead of helping her or at least apologize she screamed literally in her face! Saying in slang Arabic “Fathi” it means (look where you are going). How rude she was to say that, but what inspired me is the simple, strong response of the girl with the shiny stick, she said in a voice close to whispering “Sorry”.

  

  I hated myself more and more, I still at the morning and I already hated myself for hundred times! The bigger problem was that I didn’t learn from the taxi driver and kept looking but not doing anything.The following scene was awful, all the students were walking on the left side of the parking lot inside the campus leaving a very huge empty area with only a white old car parked alone in the middle of that space,and the girl was following her stick walking in that empty space alone. At first she run into that car, some giggling were rising in the air and then she hit into a wall. That scene was physically and emotionally painful. I didn't join her in that empty space, I was with the crew in the active section of that park! Following like a blind sheep the invisible Shepard that is in fact  the stereotypes and the public image!!

   At the end she found her way, she was walking faster than me heading to the Art building with the black bag on her back and the shiny guardian stick in her right. And I found out that I was the blind one.

by Emile Saba